More than two decades ago, a group of psychologists asked the most unhinged question in romance history: Can you make two people fall in love by having them ask each other 36 questions? The answer, surprisingly, was kind of yes.
The questions, developed in the ’90s by Arthur Aron and his research team (which included his wife, naturally – this was a couples’ project after all), are designed to create “interpersonal closeness.” Not love, not lust – closeness. Others might describe it as emotional oversharing. Whatever. Same, same.
Fast forward to 2015 and Mandy Len Catron wrote about her own experience in a New York Times Modern Love column that went viral – trying the questions with a gym acquaintance. Spoiler: they fell in love, which made the rest of us download the question list faster than you can say “attachment issues.”
Now, word has spread that Catron recently married the gym guy and the quiz’s popularity is experiencing a resurgence. Singles are using these questions like some kind of emotional BuzzFeed quiz for dating. TikTokers have been known to bring them on first dates. Therapists assign them like homework for couples who haven’t touched each other since Covid. But do they actually work?
Yes, If You Like Falling In Love On Hard Mode
If you’re the kind of person who cries when someone says, “Tell me about your relationship with your mother,” then congratulations: this might be your love language. The questions start with icebreakers like “Would you like to be famous?” and escalate to “Your house is burning -what’s the one thing you save?” (Note: If they say “my iPad,” run.)
For some, the questions work. People have gotten married. Others, not so much. “It made the relationship feel more serious than it was,” one woman said, like she accidentally skipped dating and went straight to couples therapy. Another described it as a great second date (he now lives with her). One person ended up arguing mid-date. A few just cried. (Honestly not too different to any dating experiences).
But here’s the kicker: intimacy is not the same as compatibility. You can emotionally strip down with someone and still not want to see them naked. That’s the real magic of the 36 questions. They create fast intimacy, not necessarily sustainable love. It’s like romantic speed running. Or a vulnerability trap. Or both.
Bottom Line?
The 36 questions won’t guarantee you fall in love. But they will guarantee one hell of a night, a lot of eye contact, and possibly a full-body vulnerability hangover. They work best when you’re already a little into someone and just need a nudge to get into “we stayed up all night talking” territory. As was outlined in the original article, the biggest takeaway about the quiz is that Love doesn’t happen to you. In this scenario you have to choose it. Which, honestly, might be the most romantic part.
Also, if someone whips out a Google Doc of these on a first date? Marry them or block them. There is no in-between.
In the end, maybe love isn’t about magical questions or finding your perfect match. Maybe it’s just about being brave enough to share yourself – and trusting someone else will do the same. Give them a try.
What Are The 36 Questions To Fall In Love
- Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
- Would you like to be famous? In what way?
- Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
- What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
- When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
- If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
- Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
- Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
- For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
- If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
- Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
- If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
- If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?
- Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
- What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
- What do you value most in a friendship?
- What is your most treasured memory?
- What is your most terrible memory?
- If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
- What does friendship mean to you?
- What roles do love and affection play in your life?
- Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
- How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
- How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
- Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling…”
- Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share…”
- If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for them to know.
- Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
- Share an embarrassing moment in your life.
- When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
- Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
- What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
- If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
- Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
- Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
- Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how they might handle it. Then, ask your partner to reflect on how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.
